Category Archives: LPs
Great covers from around the world. The sixties were a great time for this stuff. Japan seemed to lead the way with some truly beautiful covers and models. The combinations were a bit weird. Why not throw a fine naked girl on a bad piano jazz LP. It’s bound to sell a few copies. I doubt that these would pass the censors today. How did we get less adventurous and more PC in 50 years?
While looking through bad album cover design (something I love to do) I noticed how some of the cover models must have thought how goddamn hot they looked or that the persona they chose for themselves was one of pure sex and charisma and they just had to share it with the world. Some are just purely ill-conceived – what the monkey was Action Bronson trying to say w/ his LP Saab Stories? And goddamn it if I’m not tired of seeing Madonnas old crotch staring at me from the shelves. You just can’t say enough about former Dexy’s Midnight Runner front man and singer of 80’s staple “Come On Ilene – To Ra Aye” cross dressing LP My Beauty. Of course there’ll be LPs designed to shock “My Pussy Belongs to Daddy” and the wonderfully named Nigel Pepper Cock’s hit – Fresh White Reeboks Kicking Your Ass. PS – Vince Capretta is wearing underpants – I think.
What were they thinkin? Maybe it’s my 4th grade sense of humor but some of these seem a tad … suggestive/sexual/rapey. Some are just odd, all are wonderful. I mean “The Afternoon Tea-Baggers”, “Adventures of Uncle Cousin” or the fabulously titled “Don’t Miss the Great Snatch” by Elder Marshall Taylor. Apparently the Lord does move in mysterious ways.
You may have seen Mondo’s versions of movie posters here and there – I’ve posted quite a few. They’re beautiful limited edition hand screened prints illustrated by some unbelievably talented artists. Over the last few years Mondo has started producing movie soundtrack vinyl with the same attention to detail and striking illustration. Only a limited number of these are produced, with even fewer colored vinyl version, and some have become quite expensive and rare. If your a vinyl collector seek these out as they are truly amazing.
These LPs are all from people who are handicapped, in one way or another. All are from the 60’s (1 from the 70’s) and all are on private labels. The prevailing maladies seem to be either blindness, dwarfism or lack of limbs. And almost all are about their relationship with Jesus. Most appear relatively happy and excited to be singing for the lord. This isn’t meant to make fun of the handicapped but to show how amazing it was a few years back when anyone could make their own album, individuals, churches, etc. Is their a corresponding market today? I doubt it – there doesn’t seem to be many CDs that come close to “No Crippled Girls in Heaven” or “Little Richard Miller – Born Without Arms or Legs – Jesus Use Me”.
Short in stature, Big in talent
#1 Lowell Mason
This would be easy to fill up if you were to include every bad Heavy Metal LP or half-assed Christian DYI record but the chore here is to award those with a bit of fame who should have known better. Also not included are those that were cool in their time but haven’t aged that well – *see almost every New Wave LP with special attention to the Duran Duran Patrick Nagel Albums. Apologies as this will probably be super cynical, bitchy and judgmental but there you are. Please send your nominations for this prestigious honor.
1. Kevin Rowland – My Beauty 1999
Kevin’s solo effort between Dexy’s Midnight Runners LPs (Come On Eileen). What in Christ’s name was Kevin thinkin with this slice of ugly drag. The LP sunk like a stone, selling only 20,000 copies worlwide and KR’s been living it down ever sense.
2. Rolling Stones – GRRRR! – 2013 When in doubt put out another greatest hits package, but a happy gorilla with Stone logo lips and fangs?
3. The Cranberries – Bury the Hatchet – 1999 Hey Cranberries Pink Floyd wants their album cover back.
4. Pink Floyd – Dark Side of the Moon – 1973 A classic. A boring over used shitty classic
5. Nirvana – Nevermind – 1991 I just can’t get behind this cover, no matter how hard I try. Great LP, bad cover art.
6. Pearl Jam – 10 – 1991 Folds out to the awful “We’re in this together” pose. The ultimate high-five by a bunch of stand-up bros.
7. Yeah, Yeah, Yeahs – Mosquito – 2013 Ironic? Weird? Crazy? – Dumb!
8. The Strokes – Angles – 2011 – The Strokes are a bit dancier now – which is fine but this 80’s throwback cover is not.
9. Michael Jackson – Hits – Whatever
10. Black Sabbath – Paranoid – 1971
I guess Sabbath just couldn’t be bothered. The most evil band in the world uses a triple exposure of someone’s’ fat uncle with a toy sword and motorcycle helmet. Laughs instead of screams.
11. Frank Black – The Cult of Ray – 1996 After the breakup of the Pixies, Frank Black aka Black Francis nee Charles Thompson recorded 2 great LPs w/ equally great covers then along came this. Terrible cover, terrible album.
12. Iggy Pop – Beat Em Up – 2001 C’mon Igg, what were you thinkin’?
13. Joe Henry – Trampoline – 1996 Joe Henry is a great singer/song writer and producer. His LPs are all consistently good. I don’t know what this one sounds like because I refused to buy it because of this cover.
14. Neil Young – Fork in the Road – 2009 “Hey guys, just woke up from my nap, lets do an album.”
15. Ron Sexsmith – Blue Boy – 2001 Another great singer/songwriter. Loved by many, championed by Elvis Costello. So why the naïf drawing and scrawled type?
16 Snoop Doggy Dogg – Doggy Style – 1993 Jeez man, just look at this thing! Beware the Dogg!
17. Starship – Knee Deep in the Hoopla – 1985 Starship was the remaining dregs of the 70’s band Jefferson Airplane who became Jefferson Starship and then simply Starship. Even though this was the design wasteland of the 80’s there is no excuse for this.
18. The Who – by Numbers – 1975 Oh look, it was drawn by the bassist – nice work John.
19. Queen – The Miracle – 1989 Pretty good Photoshop V1 work.
20. Europe – The Final Countdown – 1986 They’re Swedish. ‘Nuff said.
21. James Brown – Take a Look at Those Cakes – 1978 “Goodness sakes. Take a look at those cakes.” Thanks James, you look good on that couch.
22. Body Count – Body Count – 1990 Ice T’s heavy metal outfit. The cover says Cop Killer which coincidentally is the song T caved in on and took off the LP at Time-Warners request.
23. CS&N – Live it Up – 1990 Hot dogs on the moon means…?
24. Cat Stevens – Mona Bone Jakon – 1970 Ok first album design jitters.
25. Elton John – Capt. Fantastic & the Brown Dirt Cowboy – 1975 The title as well as the creepy drawing of Elton make this # 25
26. Velvet Underground – 1969 Vol 2 – 1974 Not really offensive or bad, just kind of …unh?
27. Mike Watt – “Hyphenated-Man” – 2010 He of the Minuteman, respected session player and collector of unexplainable ‘art’. Oh and nice use of Comic Sans type face.
28. The Roots – Rising Down – 2008 Really? I mean really!?
29. Pantera – Metal Magic – 1983 Sweet pinkish panther thing with a wicked sword, reflective hand drawn type and a stormy dark landscape. Beautiful.
30. Millie Jackson – Back to the S@#t – 1989 Voted the worst album ever on many polls (I just made that up). Millie took a chance, not only w/ an LP full of swearing and dirty songs but an appropriate cover to match. There is no other way to think of Millie Jackson than her on this cover holding that one shoe and in pain(?).
31. Scorpians – Lovedrive – 1979 The famous Gum-Boob cover.
32. Megapuss – 2011 Devendra Banhart and some other smelly hippy are Megapuss!
33. T Rex – Futuristic Dragon – 1976 Marc Bolan and T Rex’s last LP, before he crashed into a tree and died. A great artist w/ a terrible swan song cover (the music however is Bolan back to form).
34. Ted Nugent – Love Grenade – 2007 Thanks Ted – You dick!
35. Talking Heads – True Stories – 1986 Bored guys? Thanks for trying.
36. Spiritualized – Sweet Heart, Sweet Light – 2011 Ditto
37. Marvin Gaye – In Our Lifetime – 1981 Heaven and Hell, blah, blah, blah. C’mon Marvin get back to the sexy stuff.
38. Joss Stone – Color Me Free – 2009 This is truly, truly bad. Is this a coloring book for serial killers?
39. Gin Blossoms – No Chocolate Cake – 2010 Didn’t you guys have a couple hits back in the 90’s? Oh wait, it’s the Loverboy cover with cake.
40. James – Hey Ma – 2008 They are the band that had one US hit w/ a song called Laid – remember? Me neither. This is their come back album.
41. Rush – Hemispheres – 1978 God help us. Stupid Metal-Prog bullshit design that makes no sense. Did every Prog band in the 80’s see the same Dali painting or something.
42. Rolling Stones – Dirty Work – 1986 Hey it’s The Stones again! Good to see you boys.
43. Prince – For You – 1978 It’s all about the hair – and the girly type face.
44. Guns & Roses – The Spaghetti Incident – 1993 I really don’t understand the point of this cover. Is there a reference I’m missing or something? Plus it’s hard to read and the spaghetti looks awful
45. The Kinks – Low Budget – 1979 Low budget indeed. The once great Kinks take a taste break.
46. Whitesnake – Lovehunter – 1979 Kind of a typical Hair-Metal album but extra bad.
47. The Black Keys – Brother – 2011 Bad type choice on a lazy cover.
48. Hall & Oates – 1975 If you were to buy this LP because of the cover you’d expect a gay cabaret act – like Soft Cell or something. What you got was sweet boring MOR Philly soul.
49. Phish – Billy Breathes – 1996 Fuck these guys
50. Kenny Loggins – Return to Pooh Corner – 1994 Ok, this is a kids LP but c’mon. A unicorn! And why isn’t the child-like reflection Kenny Loggins wearing a serape. And why … oh never mind.